I was a Tiger daughter

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/29/opinion/29iht-edyu29.html

I.H.T. Op-Ed Contributor

I Was a Tiger Daughter
By VERNA YU

Published: January 28, 2011

HONG KONG — Have you been called stupid, ugly, useless or garbage by your parents? Were you ever caned, slapped or spanked? Were you barred from watching TV and made to practice music for hours?

Most of my Western friends were shocked when I told them I had been subjected to all of this as a child. Yet in Hong Kong there is nothing unusual about it — this is just normal parental discipline in Chinese culture.

To those who were outraged by the strict disciplinarian Chinese parenting style touted by “Tiger mother” Amy Chua in her controversial new book, some perspective is necessary. Most Chinese parents have a Hobbesian view of the world: They see it as their job to toughen up their children and arm them with the skills necessary to survive in a competitive and brutish environment.

Like the typical Chinese parents described by Ms. Chua, my mother expected toughness from her children. In our household, lack of interest or aptitude was not an excuse for poor performance. If you failed, you simply had to work harder.

I was made to practice the piano for at least an hour a day, and when we were out of school, it was three hours. We were not allowed to watch TV, except for news. When I scored less than 90 in dictation (that is, getting two words wrong), I had to explain why I didn’t do as well as before.

I didn’t look forward to weekends or term breaks — they just meant more music practice and tedious long sessions of drilled academic learning and homework. (But don’t blame just the parents, schools here pride themselves on the amount of homework they hand out to their pupils and the frequency of tests and exams.)

Did my mother’s high-pressure approach work? In a way, yes. I have never been a top student, but my academic performance was always above-average. I went to a prestigious boarding school in England; I have two degrees and won a scholarship for a research fellowship at the University of Oxford. I passed a strict exam for piano studies with merit at age 14 and played a piano concerto with an orchestra at 17.

The high expectations did pressure me into working hard. Early on, a sense of anxiety was instilled in me; if I didn’t do well, I would be in big trouble. I always push myself to work at full capacity and never allow myself to give up, no matter how daunting the task.

Could this parenting approach yield stereotypically successful children?

At least in terms of academic and musical achievements, the answer appears to be yes. Just look at the Asian households that produce all those musical prodigies and math geniuses. But there is a down side as well. As someone who has survived this regime, I believe what often propels these Chinese kids to succeed is a deep sense of insecurity — that they are only worthy of love so long as they keep getting top marks.

Even as adults, the emotional scarring from the harsh words and name-calling never quite leaves you. Behind the determination of many young Chinese to excel is a deep-rooted anxiety that they will be ridiculed and shamed unless they succeed.

This parenting philosophy also fails to yield a genuine sense of confidence, and instead results in a sense of insecurity so damning that the child has to spend the rest of his life trying to prove himself to be a worthy person.

Many people I know who were brought up this way ended up having a strained relationship with their parents. Some might be successful in their careers but are angry that they never had the chance to discover who they are. The less successful ones never quite recover from low self-image.

As a mother, I wouldn’t mind having a straight-A child who also happens to be a math and music prodigy. But what I see as more important is to cultivate a healthy and balanced personality with genuine self-respect and confidence, and a sense of moral values; not a child driven to achieve out of insecurity, competition or a desperate sense of inadequacy, but out of a real desire to learn and discover.

Is it a good thing for our world to be full of emotionally insecure individuals or less brilliant but more contented people with an inner confidence?

As a tiger daughter, I think I know the answer.


Verna Yu is a freelance writer.